Myrtle Beach 2006, Day 4

Today’s agenda:
1. Breakfast (Me-cereal; J.J.-seven cups of black coffee; Mom-twigs, grass, and other kindling bound up into something called a “Kashi Bar”)
2. BrookGreen Sculpture Gardens for a bit of culture
3. Pawleys Island for some specialty shopping
4. Diamond Casino Cruise to win enough money so we can fly home instead of drive, therefore preventing me from having to start psychotropic medication when I get back to Michigan.

We all got up fairly early today so we could hit Brookgreen Gardens shortly after it opened at 9:30 AM. I must have had an angel watching over me because I was able to sneak into the bathroom before my mother got to page 78 of her Sudoku book (she’s up to the “Expert” section now). When I opened the bathroom door after my shower to step into the bedroom, this is what I heard:

“Well, I just thought you’d like the body stuff because you already had a plethora of umbrellas.”

“[mumble, mumble mumble]”

“I didn’t know you needed an umbrella.”

“Well, you didn’t ASK me!”

Let’s get into Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine, shall we? Recall that last night J.J. won two prizes at bingo: an umbrella with smiley faces and a bag of Bath & Body Works lotion and a candle. He picked the smelly stuff specifically for my mom. I know this because when he returned to his bingo seat, he said, “Maybe this will earn me some brownie points!” Translation: “Maybe Mother won’t be such a bitch to me and take everything I say literally, personally, and defensively if I bring her this token of my affection.”

Silly mortal.

Apparently this morning, the discussion of the umbrella vs. the lotion/candle came up and somehow the end result of the debate was “…you didn’t ask me!” (about whether or not I had any umbrellas). Folks, the offenses just don’t get more serious than this. I can’t TELL you how many times my husband has taken for granted how many umbrellas I may or may not have. He’s damn lucky he asks me about my rain gear periodically or he’d never get “any” again. Ever.

This is the level of ridiculous that we have come to. Was I wrong to roll my eyes?

Around 9:00 the three of us loaded into the Ford 500 and headed down Rte 17 to Brookgreen gardens. We finally arrived about ½ hour later and immediately began to try and figure out how we would get my stepdad around the big garden complex with his bum hip. Fortunately, the garden people had some rickshaw-type vehicles that we convinced J.J. to take advantage of. After a brief but torturous movie about the gardens, in which the narrator talked about plantations, oak trees, and quoted lots of religious poetry, we headed into the heart of the gardens to see the sculptures and pretty flowers. The flowers were really pretty, and I cannot even begin to describe the beauty and majesty of the 200+ year old moss-oak trees that line many of the paths. They are truly full of character and must have been witness to many years of strife, joy, and renewal.

After our first turn around the sculpture area, we came to the Pavillion Restaurant, where we had planned on dropping J.J. so he could have cups 8, 9, and 10 of his daily coffee while Mom and I completed a larger loop in the next garden section. Unfortunately for us, the Pavillion Restaurant was experiencing some city sewage problems and they evacuated the building just as the restaurant was scheduled to be opened. My mom and I could think of nothing better to do than shop, so we headed for the gift boutique. J.J. of course, hung out on a bench outside.

After draining our bank accounts on worthless trinkets that we could buy in Walmart for a fraction of the cost, we headed toward another building in the park where we knew there to be a small snack bar. John was getting the D.T’s. from his java withdrawal, so I drove him about a block down the road so he could get his fix post haste. While he sought out refreshments, my mom and I completed our last leg of the gardens and then headed back to the snack bar area.

When we met back up with the male parental unit, he had already integrated himself into a busload of Pennsylvanians sitting at a table under an awning adjacent to the snack bar. I was hungry enough to eat the ass-end out of a rag doll, so I made a beeline for the hot dog queue while J.J. yucked it up with the tourists. As I waited in line for my all-beef wiener, the Pavillion Restaurant queen bitch P.R. rep came over and asked us to please sit "over there" on the other side of the complex in some other tables because the ones under the shaded awning area were being reserved for people who wanted to order from the menu. Apparently the restaurant had relocated due to their water issues and now expected all the little people to make way for the snobs.

I asked Ms. Silicone 2006 if there were any shady spots "over there” because my dad was not able to sit for long periods in the sun due to his blood pressure medication. I told her he might die or faint or even break his good hip because the sun made him dizzy. Okay, that was a little bit of an exaggeration. But come on! There were already a bunch of snack bar hobos eating under the awning (including J.J. and the Pennsylvanians). What was she going to do, kick them out?

I kid you not, she actually did try. After I got my dog and went over to a bench near the tourist table, Anna Nicole came over and told us she had found a nice table “over there” near a tree where there was some actual shade. When we didn’t move, she finally got the picture and went away. All I’m saying is, you don’t charge $4.95 for a hot dog and then tell people they can’t sit in the hot dog seats because the snobby tomato bisque crowd can’t take a little sunshine. That’s all I’m saying.

After the garden event, we headed further south to Pawleys Island, another resort area that happens to have a lot of local artisans and crafters who sell their wares in various shops. We spent a couple hours there and then fought traffic before arriving back at the condo. My mom and I decided to back out of the Diamond Casino Cruise originally scheduled for this evening. Mom didn’t want to stay up until 1:00 AM, and I balked at the predicted 7-foot waves. The guy at the Registration Desk had told us that if we were the least bit queasy, we should not go on the cruise if the waves were over 4 feet. I am a guaranteed puke at that level, so when I heard there would be 7-footers,k it sealed the deal. J.J. went alone anyway. I told him not to drink to much so he doesn’t fall and break the other hip. I just pray he wins the plane ticket money.

Pause for a moment to reflect. It is nearly 11:00 PM and my mother just arrived back from her walk on the beach. Cell phone in hand, using the outdoor voice. Turned on the TV at “I’m deaf” level. Kill me now.

After we dropped the stepfather off at his bus stop, Mom and I headed to the outlet mall. I knew we were in trouble when she tried to sit down to try on a pair of Sketchers and promptly fell on the floor, knocking over a pile of all-terrain sport shoes (outlet priced at $39.95). I tried to save her by grabbing her arm, but was unable to prevent the tragedy. Fortunately, no one was hurt (including the size 8 all-terrains). I walked around the store about fifteen times before coming to the conclusion that perhaps Mom and I had different outlet mall agendas and suggested we go our separate ways and then meet up in an hour.

After the hour, I had covered the entire mall while Mom had hit two stores. Fortunately, we both decided we were done outlet mall shopping, but Mom still wanted to go across the street and check out a couple of TJ Maxx-type stores. Kill me again. While I admit that under normal circumstances I would thoroughly enjoy a Marshall’s excursion, tonight my feet were killing me and I could feel the turtle poking out of the shell. By the time we got out of the second overruns store – Ross’s – I was just about touching cloth. My impatience was probably evident, but I let my mom buy yet ANOTHER shirt just the same. That’s the kind of daughter I am.

We got back home by 9 and took a quick trip to the Jacuzzi by the pool (that is, after I took the Browns to the Superbowl in overtime). The Jacuzzi was FABULOUS but soon it was time to retire to the condo. And so here we are.

Tomorrow’s agenda:
Rain
Broadway at the Beach (shopping)
Calabash buffet (all the seafood you could possibly imagine)